So a lot of people have been asking what’s up with the fight on I-77 tolls. If you’ve followed the news recently you know our cause has been put on hold because we are suddenly faced with an existential threat. Not since General Beauregard loosed his cannons on Ft Sumter has the South faced a more visceral concern. If we do not solve it immediately our colleges will go broke, our economy will shrivel and Lake Norman will dry up.

I am talking, of course, about who gets to use which bathroom.

The Charlotte City Council did some non-research and non-concluded we have a serious non-problem involving an unknown number of people. To solve this non-problem they passed an ordinance. The ordinance states that if a man or a woman decides he or she is actually a woman or a man, he or she should be able to go to the bathroom of his or her choice even if other women who decided they weren’t men or men who decided they weren’t women were using his or her (or her or his) bathroom.

As Charlotte so often does, they rooted their thinking in the two fundamental principles upon which our nation is built: feelings and comfort.

The state legislature caught wind of this and decided to teach Charlotte a lesson. Feelings and comfort are the exclusive domain of the state, and Charlotte needed to understand that. A message like that can’t wait.

So the legislature instantly summoned lawmakers from every corner of our fair state and summarily passed a law telling Charlotte to buzz off. To put an exclamation point on it they froze the minimum wage, too.

They did this under the guise of protecting women and children from non-assaults by an unknown number of people, but everybody knows the real reason is they hate anyone who doesn’t like Lawrence Welk music.

What really got people in a dither was they removed a protected class that wasn’t in the law in the first place. Now it’s open season on redheads, lefties and short people. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Once Governor McCrory signed this hateful bill into law thousands of people expressed their love and compassion by wishing him a slow, lingering death. A couple of especially compassionate folks sent him a porta-potty.

Now that the law is in place we’ve endured one cataclysm after another. We’re going to lose All Star games and Superbowls. Cities forbid travel to our regressive caliphate. The Feds will turn off the money tap.

And, the two people affected by the new law filed suit. Fortunately we have a state agency charged with defending lawsuits, especially those involving feelings and comfort. Our chief law enforcer, Attorney General Roy Cooper, announced he was fulfilling his oath to “defend the Constitution of said state” by not defending the lawsuit against said state. Cooper is running for governor, of course, and knows a winning non-issue when he sees it.

Besides, nothing demonstrates you will keep your campaign promises quite like breaking your oath of office.

This fits a pattern of consistent inconsistency for Cooper: his Justice Department spared no expense defending a toll contract he said should never have been signed in the first place.

Not wanting to miss out on the action, company after company vented their moral outrage, including American Airlines, a company that has one toilet per hundred people, lets everybody use it and never cleans it.

Not since Prince Whipple paddled Washington across the Delaware has our hold on nationhood been so tenuous. As Lincoln so aptly put it, “now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether our nation or any nation conceived on the principles of feelings and comfort can long endure.” Or something like that.

It is for this reason we must pour all of our energies into this cause. The toll issue must wait. Maybe that explains why the legislature addressed this in a matter of hours while a Select Committee on Transportation formed five months ago still hasn’t gotten around to talking about I-77 tolls.

Besides, right now I have to go potty and the toll issue will solve itself… in 50 years.

Happy April Fools Day.


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